Relationships and friendships

I know I’m not alone when I say how hard creating and maintaining relationships and friendships is, not only for the child but also for the parents and carers of SEND children.

Let me start by saying I have the most amazing friends who are such a close knit, hand selected family. These friendships just work, not because they have to, not because I put every waking hour into making them work, but because these people are incredible humans who just get me and us as a family. I also have an incredibly supportive and understanding sister and grandparents, without them I would be lost. We love these people dearly.

Sadly not all people get living in a SEND world, and this really needs to change. Now let me say, I don’t expect every person to understand every disability whether it be visible or hidden, what I do expect though is the willingness to learn and understand when they come across a uniqueness that doesn’t mirror their own. How can we educate the children of the future when adults refuse to educate themselves. Without the education, how can these people be empathic and supportive to their friends and family, even strangers. You just don’t know who you’ll meet, or if something happens to someone you care for. Mental and physical special needs can come from many many situations, for example acute Illness or accidents, you’re not always born with special needs. It’s this lack of education or willingness to learn that impacts and effects relationships.

Relationships and friendships can be hard to maintain due to the constant change in the family dynamic. One day it might be plain sailing to go through with a plan, the next day everything can be a hurdle and there’s a limit as to how much we can put ourselves through before we say “nope. Not today, it’s not going to work”. We may have to cancel, rearrange or adapt plans to suit the dynamic of the child that specific day. A person who understands you will say “Okay, sorry to hear it’s not a great day, what can I do to help?” This is the support we need. It’s likely we won’t need much if anything, but knowing that we can call for your aid if needed gives us comfort.

I am at a point where I get really frustrated, without contact, at certain people for their lack of enthusiasm to learn and support. These people should be a concrete figure in our lives, they should be there to help and support when those bad days happen, yet they choose ignorance. It’s frustrating because I know a person who would move heaven and earth to be here and would do everything they possibly could to help but sadly they are no longer with us and that hurts. A person who wants to and can’t and a person who can and won’t.

Friendships  for a SEND child can be hard to develop and hard to maintain. C has difficulty understanding socially acceptable behaviours. A lot of children find this off putting and subsequently distance themselves. This breaks my heart to see that a child with so much love to give struggles to make friends to share that love with. But on the same hand I also understand. C claims she has lots of friends, she’ll often shout across the road on the way home to a child, sometimes the child responds, sometimes they don’t, but the enthusiasm that C has when she calls that child, would indicate to a stranger that they are the best of friends, sadly this is really often not the case. Sometimes she doesn’t even know the child’s name and I stated shouts ‘friend’ as loudly as she can. When C meets a new child, she instantly acknowledges them as her new best friend and that sounds lovely, but when I ask C what a best friend is she can’t tell me. What a lovely mindset to be in, that everyone is your best friend, and while I will happily leave her in thar beautiful state of mind, it’s a sad reality she will one day face. I hope that her ignorance to the reality of friendships lasts for some time to come.

I’m anxious as to how my other two children will develop and maintain friendships, especially as they are younger than C. I worry that C’s ‘reputation’ if you will of behaviours that are outside the social ‘norm’, will deter children making relationships with G and O. Neuro-diverse children can often be seen as naughty, and some parents can divert their child’s attention away from making relationships with ‘the naughty child’ or children associated with that child, such as siblings. I also worry that when it comes to play dates that I host, children will be put off from coming again when they see C’s behaviours, all because she finds the situation new or emotionally challenging. Will my other two children blame C for lost friendship opportunities.

Can I have play dates for my children? If I don’t am I Mum who accepts invitation  for my child to play at their friends houses, but not return the invitation? C struggles to adapt to changes in routine, and that can be having people round at the house. The majority of people we invite over, know us and know C. They understand that if things are getting too much for C that it’s time to call it a day, or they know how to help manage her behaviours, for example distraction techniques or simply allow her to cope. However, I can’t expect everyone to be like that, for many it will be a new experience to them. I guess they seem like silly questions to have and to even think about,  but it is a harsh reality and extreme possibility that it may be a reality one day.

It scares me as to how things will change for C as she gets older, children can be so unkind sometimes, and there are many reasons for that, which I won’t go into. However, if we can educate adults who in turn educate their children, it could be the key needed to open the door to many more social situations for children with SEND. Acceptance is a huge relief even when you are neuro-typical, so for neuro-diverse and disabled children, this acceptance means the world. It will allow them to be themselves, their beautifully unique selves. Quite often these beautiful children will only allow those they feel really comfortable with, to see their true selves.

So I guess the message here is please please please take the time to learn and understand, or in the least be empathetic to people that look and act different to the ‘norm’, not all disabilities are visible. And if you already do this, thank you! Thank you from the bottom of mine, and other SEND parents’ heart, it means the world.